Patterns in Reality

Language has always held a very special place in my mind and soul. For all of the loving relationships and special moments in my life, I have always had an intense desire to express those feelings articulately with language. Without articulate communication that adds depth and meaning to our most inner feelings and desires and the positive or negative affirmation that inevitably follows when two people in a relationship communicate at such a deep level, I feel that something very special is lost between our interactions in favor of casual conversion and easy 'I love you's.

The result of this desire has mostly left me disappointed, however. This is because I have always also felt that this desire is not shared by most, leaving it up to me to get that soul to soul communication started. Most often, out of fear of rejection or worse – agreeable fluff, I would never attempt to say the things I wanted to say. Perhaps my desire is not at all lost on most of my friends and family as I thought, but they too struggle with the same fears and insecurities. Despite this I have still always had outbreaks of deep emotional communication with some people, which would mostly lead to awkward moments but occasionally bring the type of interaction that satisfies my desire for deep communication - if only for a few moments in time.

I have no regrets over thing things I have said, but plenty for all the things I have never said. For each person I was able to break out of my inner shell and communicate with on a deep level, there are so many more who are no longer part of my life – and I just wish I could go back in time and tell them what a great human they are or were, the profound and positive effect they had on my life, and how special our time shared together was for me.

The first time I experienced a psilocybin mushroom trip, this desire and the disappointment it has brought to my life was weighing heavily on my soul. I realized how much I wanted to not only spend as much time as possible with those most dear to me, but to also use that time to articulate exactly what I think of them and what their love feels like to me. I was sad to also realize how many years I had wasted apart from them, chasing material things and wasting time with more shallow acquaintances. Lost time and opportunity with my girlfriend and family was on my mind, but most of all it was my younger brother.

In the weeks that followed my first trip, I focused on spending more time with my girlfriend and made efforts at improving our communication but I did not act on this revelation regarding my family as I should or could have. Fast forward to about five weeks after my first trip, and I am eating some Golden Teachers to embark on my second psychedelic voyage. It was not more than fifteen minutes later, well before I was feeling any of the effects, that my brother sent me a text to let me know that he was going to be in town and to invite me to have breakfast at my parents house. The timing was just so incredible, I felt as if god or the universe was not only teaching me a lesson about myself – but blessing me by giving me the exact opportunity to act on it at the exact time I would have wanted and needed it the most. As the psychedelic experience grew more and more intense I was flooded with the same thoughts and desires as my first trip, only this time I had an outlet for my new goals ready to go – it was perfect.

The next day I woke up and went with my girlfriend to have breakfast with my family, it was one of the happiest times in my life and by far the most enjoyable time spent with my family since I had been a child. I felt so much love, we didn't waste the time arguing about politics or anything else, and my brother even asked me to be the best man in his upcoming wedding. I can't express how perfect it was. Still, it did not satisfy my desire for deep articulate connection entirely at that moment, but it most certainly was a very positive step in the right direction for me. I hope that I will be able to look back at that day as a turning point changing the way I interact with my family for the rest of our lives, it seems certain to me that it will be.

Would all of that have happened if I had not been using fungus for the sake of some soul searching? If I had not being using psilocybin would I have felt and reacted to it in the same way? Was it all just a phenomenal coincidence given meaning only by my personal desires and interpretations? There is no way to know, but perhaps this quote from The Matrix describes it best:

“What happened happened and could not have happened any other way”