Alien

A great man once said that this life is an opportunity for soul's to learn and grow.  It is an interesting idea, born into a realm of seemingly insurmountible evil, given a choice to go with the flow and profit...or resist and attempt to write your own destiny.  It is the ultimate battle of good vs. evil, more epic than any novel or movie ever written.  What fiction and history lack is the option of just letting it slide, being comfortable, and choosing not to believe in the devil.  Oh, but the devil belives in you?  That's fine.  He's not trying to drag you into a lake of fire, he's giving you an interesting show to watch, and fun game to play.  The only real options seem to be alignment with evil or the heroes journey towards redepmtion and martyrdom...or salvation?   There are no guarantees, that is perhaps the one thing that makes this game so intriguing.  Perhaps we all know what is right, I know I always have, but actually doing it is entirely another matter.  It can seem out of reach, unreasonable, and even impossible.  If the game was made to favor fair play it would be easy, but nothing in life is easy.  Evil has written all the rules in it's favor.

Lately I find myself wondering how many times I have lived.  Surely this life is some form of punishment or karma for a past life of unspeakable evil, how else can you explain an existence such as this?  I know how.  You can tell me how much I have to be happy for.  You can tell me how much better off I am versus some poor fool who is murdered or starved to death on my dime.  You can lie to me as you lie to yourself, but I cannot lie - not to god, and not to my soul.  They are one in the same.  You fools question god as you write of your own potential and paths to within are taken from you.  I am surrounded by an angry crowd of individuals who have lost themselves.  If you do not have open and honest communication with your mind and your soul, you are hopeless and damned.  If you do now have the will to control your own mind, you are a beast of burden.  You probably do not believe in hell - while you create and live in it.  Misery loves company, but not as much as self deception.  It is an amazing house of cards you have build.  Infected with all the sickness and evil known to humankind.  It is incredible that we can be surrounded by a universe of  beautiful harmony and balanced interaction left only to look at ourselves to define evil.  There is no excuse left, we are pathetic.  In realizeing this have I grown?  What advatage as this given me?  Nothing more than awareness of my true state of being - misery.  I am miserable, and you are miserable - we all are.  To you this is disadvantage, to me, you are a fool.  A child like insect with no desire to become aware of  or go through the painful metamorphosis required to reach it's true poetential of being.  Through hatred and fear of death we perpetuated this miserable existence, but there are worse things than death, and we deal with them on a dailly basis.  What cowards we are to put up with this existence, and still fear death!  We pride ourselves in having the courage to fight in the trenches, to run into a burning building, to stand up to a bully - yet we cannot evin begin to deal with the evil and fear that lurks inside all of us.

Like irreresponsible slavers we do our best to keep everything from falling apart until we've done our time leaving the worst of it for the next generation to deal with.  As long as the slave trade is putting the food on the table, we can put off our problems for another day.  The exponential curve is reaching the point of free fall into madness and lunacy.  The human sould of love, compassion, curiosity, and understanding will be left in the wake of cold, calculated and profitable machine thinking.  All human values become irrelevent outside of reproduction and sustainment, as well as all humans.  Good riddance.  I might look like you.  I might talk like you.  I might have been born into your hell, but my soul does not belong here.  I find no comfort in your petty indulgences and I would see you all burn before your influence streches beyond what you already destroy.

Patterns in Reality

Language has always held a very special place in my mind and soul. For all of the loving relationships and special moments in my life, I have always had an intense desire to express those feelings articulately with language. Without articulate communication that adds depth and meaning to our most inner feelings and desires and the positive or negative affirmation that inevitably follows when two people in a relationship communicate at such a deep level, I feel that something very special is lost between our interactions in favor of casual conversion and easy 'I love you's.

The result of this desire has mostly left me disappointed, however. This is because I have always also felt that this desire is not shared by most, leaving it up to me to get that soul to soul communication started. Most often, out of fear of rejection or worse – agreeable fluff, I would never attempt to say the things I wanted to say. Perhaps my desire is not at all lost on most of my friends and family as I thought, but they too struggle with the same fears and insecurities. Despite this I have still always had outbreaks of deep emotional communication with some people, which would mostly lead to awkward moments but occasionally bring the type of interaction that satisfies my desire for deep communication - if only for a few moments in time.

I have no regrets over thing things I have said, but plenty for all the things I have never said. For each person I was able to break out of my inner shell and communicate with on a deep level, there are so many more who are no longer part of my life – and I just wish I could go back in time and tell them what a great human they are or were, the profound and positive effect they had on my life, and how special our time shared together was for me.

The first time I experienced a psilocybin mushroom trip, this desire and the disappointment it has brought to my life was weighing heavily on my soul. I realized how much I wanted to not only spend as much time as possible with those most dear to me, but to also use that time to articulate exactly what I think of them and what their love feels like to me. I was sad to also realize how many years I had wasted apart from them, chasing material things and wasting time with more shallow acquaintances. Lost time and opportunity with my girlfriend and family was on my mind, but most of all it was my younger brother.

In the weeks that followed my first trip, I focused on spending more time with my girlfriend and made efforts at improving our communication but I did not act on this revelation regarding my family as I should or could have. Fast forward to about five weeks after my first trip, and I am eating some Golden Teachers to embark on my second psychedelic voyage. It was not more than fifteen minutes later, well before I was feeling any of the effects, that my brother sent me a text to let me know that he was going to be in town and to invite me to have breakfast at my parents house. The timing was just so incredible, I felt as if god or the universe was not only teaching me a lesson about myself – but blessing me by giving me the exact opportunity to act on it at the exact time I would have wanted and needed it the most. As the psychedelic experience grew more and more intense I was flooded with the same thoughts and desires as my first trip, only this time I had an outlet for my new goals ready to go – it was perfect.

The next day I woke up and went with my girlfriend to have breakfast with my family, it was one of the happiest times in my life and by far the most enjoyable time spent with my family since I had been a child. I felt so much love, we didn't waste the time arguing about politics or anything else, and my brother even asked me to be the best man in his upcoming wedding. I can't express how perfect it was. Still, it did not satisfy my desire for deep articulate connection entirely at that moment, but it most certainly was a very positive step in the right direction for me. I hope that I will be able to look back at that day as a turning point changing the way I interact with my family for the rest of our lives, it seems certain to me that it will be.

Would all of that have happened if I had not been using fungus for the sake of some soul searching? If I had not being using psilocybin would I have felt and reacted to it in the same way? Was it all just a phenomenal coincidence given meaning only by my personal desires and interpretations? There is no way to know, but perhaps this quote from The Matrix describes it best:

“What happened happened and could not have happened any other way”

Thoughts on Life and Death

The current and historical fact of humanity: we will all die. Everyone knows this, but why do we choose to live in fear of death? It is childlike to fear death as much as it is childlike to fear the dark. It is fear of the inevitable. It is fear of the passing of time, of old age, of a sunrise and a sunset. No one knows how long they have left, but each sunset is one less day, one step closer to death.

However, each sunset is also beautiful! A breathtaking display of color and energy that spans millions of miles. A force so powerful and destructive that is also the source of all life as we know it. A glowing ball of pure energy. A star that was born from massive chaos and destruction and that will also die in the very same chaos and destruction while taking everything we have ever known and held dear in the blink of an eye along with it. Returning to the raw energy form that creates and destroys all things. In between the beginning and the end of this incomprehensible destruction is the entirety of our lives, all of human history, and all the structures of our reality - riding on the energy waves of time and space until they come crashing into the beaches of the end of time.

So I ask again, why do we choose to live in fear of death – as if we could stop time itself? As if we could hold back the chaos of the universe? Instead, we must embrace life for all that it is and could be rather than what it most certainly is not – a permanent setting of safety and security, a stable, organized game that we can win if only we play our cards right. The possibilities are endless, our time here with each other is not. In living and acting in fear we destroy the very thing we are trying desperately to hold onto, neglecting this precious gift we have been given.

Meanwhile, how much time do we spend bored and “killing time” instead of turning our lives into the dream we want them to be? The dream that could, and should, be reality. The power that we have somehow been given is incredible – the power to design, create and then enjoy our own existence. Why, then, do so many of us choose to relinquish this power to others? Running on the hamster wheels of our childlike society. Regurgitating what others have already done, unwilling or unable to live with the heroic spirit of exploration and creativity that our ancestors utilized to give us all we have right now.

The secrets of life and happiness are not so profound and unreachable as many of us have been lead to believe. It's really very simple. Love each other, but most importantly – love yourself.

Do not waste your life working a miserable job. Do not waste your life eating shit food. Do not waste your life with “friends” who are cruel and unloving, and who look down on you - who require you to change yourself to be accepted. Before you can truly enjoy love from another, you must love yourself. Before you can love yourself, you must know yourself. If you are like so many of us, and have built your life to be a reflection of the peer pressures of society, simply finding your inner self and it's true desires can be a difficult task. I can promise you it is worth all the effort!

It is incredible how many unhappy people there are, who only do it to themselves. It is one thing to be born into a cruel and broken society, and find yourself unable to find happiness. It is another entirely to have all of the freedom and possibilities of the modern civilized world – only to utilize 1% of what is available. It is shameful neglect of all the blessings that have been given to us. Living in fear, doing what everyone else is doing, thinking what everyone else is thinking. Trying to create a life based on the values of a society that was designed for the lowest common denominator - a mass audience of consumers. Not producers, innovators, thinkers - creators. Consumers. That is what they label you, and that is what many of us choose to label ourselves. All driven by cheap emotional manipulation that we choose to allow into our minds on a daily basis – telling us what to buy, how to act, how to live, how to exist. How to be. Most have become entirely enslaved to it. Few will rise above the crowd and in doing so they enjoy unparallelled happiness and ecstasy. Living as the heroic being that exists in a child's imagination, utilizing the innate power we all have to transcend any and all limitations. Unhappy yet unwilling to take the risk to accomplish their dreams, or for many – not even realize what their dreams are or could be.

Every morning the roads are packed with people and most of them are doing something they do not want to do. Many do not even know what they want to do, so they simply wish they were still in bed. How absurd is it to fear death, but live life in that way? Wishing you were asleep is not time well spent. Living for the weekends is not time well spent. Being ashamed of your age is not time well spent. It is a shameful existence deserving of all the unhappiness it brings.

You will not, ever, get that time back. So why waste it doing things you don't want to do?